You're sabotaging your own success—here's how to stop

Welcome to Unravelled, a weekly letter for those ready to break free from the path of ‘should’ and build a life that feels truly authentic. Were you forwarded this? Subscribe here to join the journey.

Unravelled This Week

This week, we're exploring the hidden traps of success—why traditional milestones might be keeping you stuck and how to build a version of success that truly feels like yours.

My Journey

Over the years, I've watched my peers achieve traditional milestones: buying their first homes, upgrading their cars, and donning designer handbags. It was easy to feel like I was falling behind, like I wasn't measuring up to society's definition of success. But I made different choices—ones that aligned with my deeper values.

Looking around my rented home, with its IKEA furniture and my wardrobe filled mostly with H&M, I might not fit society's image of success. But here's what I do have: the freedom to work from home, the flexibility to choose my projects, and control over how I spend my days.

I see the impact of these choices most clearly at baby classes, where I often hear other mums talking about returning to work. Many face tough choices: heading back to jobs they don't love and sending their little ones to full-time nursery – not because they want to, but because they have to. Mortgages, car payments, and lifestyle commitments leave them feeling trapped without options.

My path looks different. I've only just decided to send my daughter to nursery for two days a week. This wasn't born from financial pressure – it was a choice that felt right for both of us. I get to maintain my identity as both Akta and a mum, continuing work I genuinely love while spending most of my week with her. I can spend mornings at coffee shops, take spontaneous holidays, and design my days around what truly matters to me.

This isn't to say that owning a home or driving a nice car isn't meaningful— they will come in their time. But what I've learned is that the traditional markers of success can become elaborate traps, golden handcuffs that limit our choices and keep us tethered to paths we've outgrown.

Reflect

Society has crafted a very specific image of success—degrees, promotions, property portfolios, luxury cars. These achievements aren’t inherently bad; they can be wonderful milestones. But they often come with invisible strings:

1. The Dopamine Trap
   These milestones provide a brief rush of accomplishment—the promotion, the house keys, the luxury purchase. But the satisfaction fades quickly, leaving us chasing the next goal without pausing to ask if it’s what we truly want.

2. The Golden Handcuff
   I find it ironic that many people delay having children out of fear it will limit their career prospects, yet willingly take on a massive mortgage that can be equally, if not more, restricting. A high salary or luxury lifestyle can lock you into paths you don’t love, simply to maintain those markers of success.

3. The Comparison Cycle
   Success is relative. We compare ourselves not only to others but to an idealised version of ourselves. It’s like running a race while carrying your old trophies—exhausting and unsustainable.

Realign

It’s time to question our definition of success.

What if success wasn’t measured by what we own, but by the freedom we have to choose? What if it wasn’t about the car we drive, but the time we have to drive to places that matter? What if it wasn’t about the size of our home, but the quality of life we create within it?

True success might look like:

• The freedom to say no to projects that don’t align with your values.

• The ability to be present for life’s important moments.

• The flexibility to pivot when your passions or circumstances change.

• The space to prioritise creativity and personal growth.

• The option to take risks and explore new opportunities.

Rebuild

Here’s how we can start redefining success on our own terms:

1. Audit your success

   • Consider what you’ve already achieved and what you’re currently pursuing. Why does it matter to you?

   • Which goals feel energising and which feel like obligations?

   • How much of your current path is chosen versus inherited?

2. Challenge the timeline

   • Don’t let society’s milestones dictate your choices. There’s no universal deadline for buying a house, getting married, or reaching a certain career level. When you’re afraid of falling behind on someone else’s timeline, you might end up falling behind on your own one.

3. Calculate the true cost

   • Before making major commitments, consider not just the financial cost but also the cost in terms of freedom, time, and flexibility. Sometimes the “responsible” choice on paper isn’t the wisest choice for your life.

4. Invest in flexibility

   • Consider making choices that keep your options open. This might mean renting longer to maintain mobility, choosing a lower paying job with better work-life balance, or living below your means to maintain financial freedom.

5. Define your own metrics

   • Create personal measures of success that align with your values. Maybe success is having dinner with your family every night, the freedom to travel four times a year, or being able to volunteer for causes you care about.

The traditional markers of success aren’t wrong—they’re just not the only path. Success should be a tool that opens doors, not a cage that keeps you trapped in a life you’ve outgrown.

So this week, ask yourself: what would success look like if it aligned with my deepest values?

Your future self will thank you—not just for what you built, but for the freedom you preserved to build it.

Until next time,